Seth's Surgery

It is three hours into Seth's surgery. It has been a long week. Seth had a hard day yesterday and it was hard for us to see him in a hospital bed again. I told the nurse that it feels like we lost that sick baby. I mourned his condition before he was even born and many times afterward with surgery and long hospital stays. But now, these days, I had almost forgotten how sick his heart is. For the most part, we have felt a sense of normalcy the last year or so. Today I felt like I was giving my perfectly healthy baby over to a surgeon I hardly know.

This morning, as my parents had Seth downstairs at the Ronald McDonald House, I lost it. I got down on my face before almighty God and mumbled words through tears that I can hardly remember now. I can't live there though. I can't allow myself, my sinful self, to be taken in by Satan's lies. God is in complete control even as he is in surgery, even on the heart/lung machine right now. I must rest in God's goodness and His wisdom. If He chooses to take Seth now, He will still be good because He is.

It sounds so cruel to say such things. God is not cold though. He has been our warm hug every day lately. Sunday, on our way to Milwaukee, I was experiencing a lot of problems with my right arm. My MS has been showing its ugly face a lot lately. I thought, "What will I do without my right arm?" And God came to me and said, "I will be your right arm."

Yesterday, I was in horrible despair watching them take my baby away to a heart catherization. I was too tired to pray and did not want to read Scripture, but felt I needed a little something. I was doubting Him again. I got out my small devotional book, Streams in the Desert. (I recommend this book to anyone who is experiencing a great deal of suffering.) My eyes fell upon the verse, "You do not realize now what I am doing, but later you will understand." John 13:7

Some may say God does not exist. Some doubt that He cares, if He does exist. I can say, that though I sometimes doubt him, He is with me. I have had so many examples of His Holy Spirit speaking to me of late. I can not doubt that He IS there and He is NOT silent.